No food is truly unhealthy, it's all in the portion size rather than the content.
Loaded fries, being that glorious item the French (Belgian) fry/chip covered in some 'loaded' topping which usually has much cheese and spice... and zero broccoli, have appeared in cheery eating houses in recent times. Heaven on a plate in the right circumstance.
Road cars when 'fully loaded' either have too many in-laws inside or every option known to marketing fitted and functional. An overloaded road car has both.
F1 cars, by comparison are stripped back to "...only those things required to race." So, no refrigerated glovebox, surround sound system, massage seats or ten-cup holders. With only one seat how loaded can an F1 car be? Sadly, dear reader, compared to the machines known by Jim Clark and his fellow pilots the modern answer is "fully loaded, and then some. More cheese?"
Rather than bemoan this year's edition which is eight races away from oblivion, let's go wide-eyed in befuddlement at the soon to be raced 2026 specification F1 cars.
Walking up to our imagined 2026 contender, we first notice the surfaces. Which in specified areas of the car will be moveable. Some folk are already bemoaning the opportunities for catastrophic failure of such electro mechanical/hydraulic systems, rather forgetting that a million planes a day use precisely this style of system to remain airborne by deploying a veritable jungle of moving surfaces endlessly during take-off, flight, and landing. For road cars it was the Porsche 959 of 1986 which first introduced moving aero parts. A modest 40 years prior to next season. Rather a case of road technology transferring to the track.
Moveable aero in other categories of motorsport? Look no further than Le Mans. The Mercedes 300 SLR of 1955 had a hydraulically actuated air brake controlled by the driver. Then the Chaparral 2F of 1967 had the front and rear wings controlled by the driver allowing for higher speed on the straights, then higher down force in the corners. Then early editions of the fearsome Porsche 917 of 1969 had moveable vanes linked to the suspension. This changed to fixed aero surfaces after the tragic loss of John Woolfe as a result of a high-speed loss of control blamed on the system.
The 2026 tyres? Smaller front and rear than this year. Given the forever demeaned performance of the Pirelli tyres over recent seasons I'm not holding my breath on smaller ones being a useful move, rather a case of unloading the fries here. Remember the glory years of the grooved tyres? Horrid. I anticipate these minnows going in the same direction just as rapidly. No one other than Liberty Media and the FIA are going to love next season's tyres. Tepid jalapeņo and cheap cheese. Yuck.
The engine. How much more emotive can we get? We move from a maligned V6 hybrid of NASA-level complexity to the near pushrod beauty of the 1950's. Don't get me wrong, I've never met a V8 I didn't love. The Ford flat-head V8 of 1932, first appearing in the Ford Model 18. Ford used it in passenger cars until 1953, and commercial trucks into the 1970's! It was the first V8 for the people. The first mass-produced V8 was the type 51 released for up-market buyers by Cadillac in 1914. It was used across much of the Cadillac range until 1923 and set the standard for power and smoothness at the time. V8s are legends for a reason. It has to do with maths resulting in smoothness. A straight six, V8 or V10 can be super smooth. All to do with firing order and crank angles. The original BMW M3 had a straight six to die for. Inline fours are horrid. V6 engines only slightly less so... Give me a pure jalapeņo and fresh grated cheese V8 serving any time!
Which brings us to turbo V6 engines with no complex exhaust energy recovery, but with a 50% contribution of power from the battery/regenerative side of the house. Why such pain? Fans, such as your scribe, love cutting edge technology. To have the 2026 engines simpler than this season's - purely in the name of increasing profit margins - is simply a sporting regulation sin, annoying to technology lovers across the globe. Then at the same time petrol sniffing zombies hate that a return to V10 or V8 monsters has not been achieved... and are thus equally annoyed.
So, we have technology fans annoyed, V10/V8 petrol sniffing fans annoyed and the drivers annoyed. How do the FIA answer all this? By claiming slower lap times do not matter. Did they not see the skipping and dancing over V. Max setting the fastest race time ever at Monza last race? Love it while you can speed lovers, under the new regulations we are not going to see new lap records for some seasons yet. The FIA want loaded fries with... no fries, and no cheese... and possibly no jalapeņo...
Electronics? Mostly standardised. Nothing to discuss here. Think three-day old McDonalds fries you find down the back of the couch on a dusty Monday morning after an alarming Friday night.
Refuelling? That remains a big fat no. No Massa dragging the rig down the pit lane fun to be had here. Empty plate. No fries.
Goodbye DRS! Now this could be an unloading of fries that makes many happy... Except a new push to pass "More power Scotty!", "She'll burn the engines sir!" exchanges are going to happen as drivers have the option to "give it some herbs" on demand. Not quite oil slicks and bananas from Mario Karts, but clearly a step in that direction. The future fries of mystery right here. I'm curious to see how this dish tastes.
So, who is going to serve the best loaded fries next season?
Jalapeņo Grande would have to go to Mercedes and Honda. Both know how to build an amazing hybrid engine. I'd not bet against Mercedes customers, or Aston on this one. Any issues will be down to chassis design, not the hot peppers from the power unit. Honda at Aston? Well could be good... could be Brawn. Enigma Fries award goes to Honda. Please... surprise us!
Jalapeņo Medium goes to Ferrari. They are always close, just rarely simply the best. They will be in the mix. I'd not expect them to be the heat of the field.
Jalapeņo Surprise goes to Audi and Red-Bull Ford. Too hot to handle? Spicy-nicely? Mush on a stick with extra not good? We simply do not know. Red Bull are already working to set the bar so low that lapping faster than a ten-year-old Subaru WRX is being heralded as an unexpected delight. Fair call, or fair deception? We will have to wait and see. Your scribe suspects Red Bull are jalapeņo (sand) bagging. We shall see.
Next where might your scribe put his stone and chisel in his mouth? Well, I'm going to order them thus... Mercedes, Honda, Ferrari, Red Bull, Audi. In terms of engines.
Heap all that cheese, guacamole, and chassis on top? Now that's an awkward question.
McLaren are the class of 2025. Will they maintain or fall in 2026? Assuming Mercedes deliver the engine I'm expecting McLaren to cheerfully remain top three, if not clear leader. Similarly, Ferrari. They will be in the top three mix. Just not sure where.
Red Bull will be hero or zero. There is no middle ground. Either the engine will be a scorcher or it will be a pedal cart. Possibly top three. Possibly bottom three. Crispy fresh fries, or soggy cold junk stuck to yesterday's newspaper...
Mercedes? Well the universal message is they have nailed it again. Have they? Does lightning strike twice, or are they merely top three or four? We shall see soon enough.
Aston? One can only hope that master chef Adrian has created the super fries from heaven topped in the perfect spicy mix. Alonso thinks he can do it. Stroll senior walked him in the kitchen for exactly that outcome. Let's see what the waitress finally delivers to the table.
Alpine will be at each race. Moving on.
Racing Bulls will be riding on the leftovers from the Red Bull table. Enough hot and spicy for everyone? They will eat well. Soggy melted mess? Not so hot.
Williams? Strong mid-field as ever. No one's favourite flavour. No one's most hated. Expect more of that.
Haas? Ah! Well... We more or less have two 'new' teams. Audi and Cadillac. As the renamed Sauber, Audi should at worst be lower mid-field, leaving Haas and Cadillac to fight with Alpine over dead last. "These chips are cold, the chillis have no bite, and the sauce is making me feel sick. Oh, and where's the cheese?" Not a great dish for a wonderful Sunday. Who will be serving it?
If Cadillac fly in and immediately beat Alpine and Haas what does it say about those two teams? What does it say about American engineering? What does it say about soggy chips and horrid sauces? Who moved my cheese? Why this might just be a case of Making America Grate Again! Now load those 2026 fries. I'm hungry!
Max Noble
Learn more about Max and check out his previous features, here
sign in