Thus has spoken every incarnation of The Riddler from the Batman universe.
He has been animated. He has been Jim Carey. He has been violent. He has been a clown - as in the cult Adam West TV series. He has never been as dark and complex as either the Heath Ledger or Joaquin Phoenix' Joker portraits. Not a Batman fan? Well lovers of the modern classics can always rely on Bilbo and Gollum for their riddle game deep in the bowels of the Misty Mountains.
Our riddle game is to ask how is it that the FIA and Liberty media manage to find perplexing riddles where others had clarity, and now find unexpected confusion? New hybrid engines! Or should that be a V8 or V10? Or new rules faster? More new street tracks within "destination cities"? An all-weather series which may, or may not, race in the rain!
Then there's the riddle of the global fan bases. American viewing figures are only going through the roof percentage-wise because they are coming off such a low base. Claiming "200% year-on-year growth" fades when it is revealed that this was a climb from two viewers to six. While the huge, long-lived, informed, European fan-base is told that circuits (and thus countries) are going to have to share race slots and only have an event on alternate years. What a genius approach to showing the love for your money paying fans!
More street circuits and boring races. How do we riddle this?
Consider how hard it is to overtake at Monaco. Look back to 1955 when Alberto Ascari flew into the harbour after misjudging a corner. He survived that drama only to tragically die at Monza four days later. All because he was trying to race, while being constrained by nothing more than a handful of artfully placed haybales. Or an ironic favourite of mine. Sir Lewis planting his Paganini Zonda into a parked car one evening on those same, tight Monaco streets. If Sir Lewis cannot move a million-dollar sports car around a stationary object on the Monaco streets what chance does everyone else have? Especially at racing speeds.
The true riddle of Monaco is answered by loving qualifying. All the great drivers, Senna, Stewart, Graham Hill, have excelled at Monaco because it demands supreme concentration. There are no run off areas. Simply uncaring, unfeeling solid walls. Your first mistake will likely be your last. Hence Monaco calls for two supreme talents. The ability to nail a qualifying lap to within fractions of an inch, backed-up by the ability to do the same thing for endless laps on race day, consistently outperforming every other driver in the field. On a track where powerful cars are mostly equalised, the driver makes more difference at Monaco than any other track on the calendar. And the drivers know this. It's why they all want to win Monaco. It's the one time it is much more about the man than the machine.
Monaco has held a race 82 times. The first being in 1929. It has history. Ayrton Senna holds the outright record for most wins, having secured a total of six... with five being consecutive. Consider that. Five Monaco victories in a row. Simply not an accident. Genius.
McLaren hold the constructors record having won Monaco 16 times. A good number that they added to in style at this season's event.
Graham Hill earned the nickname of "Mr Monaco" for five victories during the 1960's. Another remarkably consistent driver, especially as the cars were even more unreliable then than in Senna's day.
Monaco is about driver skill and freak weather. Who can forget 1996? Schumacher on pole in his Ferrari. Jean Alesi fastest lap (1:25.205) in his Benetton-Ford. Then rain, more rain... less rain... bit more rain... and plenty of hopeful moves. Result? Lowest number of finishers in F1 history!
Olivier Panis took his sole F1 victory in his Ligier-Mugen-Honda. David Coulthard was second in his McLaren-Mercedes, and Johnny Herbert third in his Sauber-Ford... and that folks was that! The only three cars to finish the race!
I recall watching the drama unfold and smiling. Naturally if that level of weather happened today the FIA would have red flagged/black flagged the race long before it got that exciting. Today if you spill two bottles of Perrier on the start finish straight it will cause a two-hour delay.
Monaco is an enigma, riddle and wonder all in one. Batman and The Riddler, or Bilbo and Gollum. Each would surely have initially struggled before toughing out the riddle that is Monaco. It's too good to be kept in one's pocket.
To remove Monaco from the calendar would be a criminal act. Contrast this with the race at Spa this season. What a face-palm moment of generating riddles-on-the-run to destroy your day! Delays, endless safety car laps. Indeed waiting so darnn long to go racing that having your car set-up for the wet was a significant disadvantage. No one wants dead drivers to "prove" racing is still a dangerous sport. No. Never. But we do want a bit more risk taking than that required to use an escalator in a public building. Spa this year posed the riddle of "How can the FIA manage to make the most exciting race track on the calendar more boring than Monaco?" I guess it suits them as they can now answer the riddle with... See a "proper" race track like Spa is clearly no more exciting than all those destination city street tracks we want and love!
Other riddles to ponder during the (Northern hemisphere) Summer break include... Do Ferrari regret hiring Sir Lewis? Does Sir Lewis really believe that what the world needs now is a non-alcoholic rum, or Charles Lecerc a new whisky, energy drink or ice cream? When the FIA finally ram reverse grids down our throats how will the teams game the system to win regardless? If the FIA really had a sense of humour would they prove it by electing Christian Horner as the next president? Can Cadillac beat Haas in their first season? Would Gene H. then explode? What can we do to get Daniel Ricciardo back in the seat next to V. Max?
Being pedantic, these are more questions than pure riddles. Yet the idea of the fan-base as Bilbo and the FIA as Gollum, perched dirty and half naked on a damp rock, trading riddles is a far more enjoyable image than submitting an online form and pressing 'send'. Or us dear fans as Batman pondering alone in the darkness why The Riddler loves green and has so much time for vexing language. The FIA and Liberty have an increasing number of crimes, or obsessions, to answer for.
Much as Bilbo's subterranean game of riddling resulted in serious adventures, challenges, and for Gollum (spoiler alert) eventual doom, so the riddles posed to, and by, the FIA and Liberty this season are bound to result in drama in the years ahead. Indeed, in the pending months I'm sure. As their ability to trip over their own bath mat knows no limits.
In the meantime us fans can ponder on the most heartfelt of riddles. "Why do I still love and follow this sport as Gollum/Riddler (FIA/Liberty) insists on dragging it through endless evil lands?"
Max Noble
Learn more about Max and check out his previous features, here
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